This entry is one of nine that I wrote in roughly 8 hours and over a 28 hour period. I apologise for the quality of writing, but had to type furiously to get it all out before I collapsed. I preferred you read it in order:
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 I took a risk. I told my mother what I told Candy – that I spent the last night of my stay in Tobago in the room of a man I had only met the night before. I went on to tell her that I wanted to go back to Tobago to see him. She was glad that I was upfront with her, but very disappointed in me.I told her that I did not regret what I had done, and I further explained that she knows that I am the kind of person that did not want much. For a year and a half, I was not with anybody, although I had ample opportunity to do so. This is because I only do something when I want to do it. So after a year and a half denying myself men because I did not want the men I could have, it would be very difficult for me to say no to an opportunity when I actually wanted it. And I wanted it.
My intentions were explained, and her sentiments were expressed. She expressly forbade me from returning to Tobago alone to see The Syrian. I repeated how I felt, and left it at that. I understood her point of view – the AIDS rampant in Tobago, the tendencies of Syrians to fuck outside their race but only marry inside of it, the way I may have appeared to him as I was willing to sleep in his bed after knowing him less than a few hours – this was much, even for me. Still, I have made up my mind. There is no doubt in my mind that I would see him again. And I would see him again in less than 2 months from now. That much is absolutely certain. The only question to be answered was “how”.
After that was over, I wrote out the first of these 9 entries, and then went to sleep. I awoke at twenty past six in the morning, saw Zodiac’s missed call, and then started attempting to get ready. Half an hour later, I told my mother I did not want to go to work. It was only her arguments that convinced me to go. I wanted to stay home because I wanted to write out these 9 entries. I did not know how many postings this trip would turn into, but I knew that it would require several hours of non-stop typing. And I was right. I also wanted to stay home and sleep. And rest. And get accustomed to sleeping without someone warming my bed.
But I went to work, reaching almost an hour late, and not caring. My mind was on work-to-rule, and although I answered several questions (we had mandatory training, you see), I also asked this question several times:
“What are we doing?”
Because when I looked at my computer screen, I saw The Syrian. When I looked at the instructor, I saw The Syrian. When I looked at my food, I saw The Syrian. And I only contemplated how I would see him for real. I was a woman in a daze. A woman possessed. He really did steal my soul when he looked at me.
I explained to Candy later that I wished, when I called him, that he told me he could not see me again, that he was only using me to warm his bed that night. It would not hurt me, but it would kill the obsession I have with him. I wanted him so badly, yet I did not want to want him, because being with him was too difficult, and I did not know him enough to care about who he was, only enough to care about how he felt in my arms for a night, and how he looked when I opened my eyes.
I tried to think about Chan today, but it was difficult. Chan did not compare. Chan I liked more personality wise as well as sexually, but, he did not compare. He did not fall asleep in my arms. He only fucked me in a cheap motel where the rooms were rented by the hour. Still, I came to a conclusion that if I could have them both, I would. I would ask The Syrian to take an AIDS test, and then I would have one man in Tobago, and the other in Trinidad. I would be with them both.
That is still my resolve, though I am certain I would be unable to see The Syrian often. And I have no guarantees he would be faithful to me while I was not there. Goodness knows I have no intention of being faithful to him. Fucking two guys at the same time… this was something I never wanted to do, yet I am so willing to undertake it.. If only The Syrian told me that he wanted nothing to do with me, I would be happy. I would be glad that he gave me something that I had waited so long in my life to experience, and I would treasure the memory until it happened again. And I would move on. But while the opportunity is still there, I cannot turn my back.
I call him in a few minutes. I have to post these entries first. It is almost midnight. I spent almost six hours writing. My chest and pussy aches thinking about hearing his voice again.
I post now.