Over the past few weeks, my diary has become very un-Tiragem like. This is me underlining this fact.
Amidst my relationship with The Syrian, the guy I have feelings for, yet recognise how almost unreconcilably different we are. The guy I feel does not understand me at all. And those feelings, though quite strong most of the times, fall flaccid at others.
Amidst my relationship with Raj, one of my best friends, who has gotten himself his first girlfriend, and has managed to hit, with his first shot, a relationship that works so well. How can everyone do this, yet all I wish to enter are relationships that come with them, such dire complications?
Amidst my relationship with Zodiac, which I fare might fade to nothingness when he realises I have a boyfriend. I've already started dropping hints, so that when the news does come, it will be a spark of enlightenment, as opposed to a bomb shell. And he appears to be catching on quite quickly.
Amidst all of this, and far more which I have neither the will nor the energy to mention, I feel like my life is like one of my favourite Tool songs.
I once told Raj that I feel that I cannot enter a stable, normal relationship not necessarily because they never manage to come my way, but also because I seem to choose excitement, new experiences, and the uncommon over stability.
"Something has to change.
Undeniable dilemma.
Boredom's not a burden anyone should bear.
Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I would not want you any other way.
Just not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.
Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my.
I can help you change tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and we'll be well upon our way.
Blend and balance pain and comfort deep within you
till you will not want me any other way.
But it's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.
Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to.
Relax. Slip away.
Something kinda sad about,
the way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?
How can it mean anything to me,
if I really don't feel a thing at all?
I'll
keep
digging
till
I
feel
something.
Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax, turn around and take my hand."
- Stinkfist, Tool
As for who the "you" refers to... The first time, "you" refers to every new, exciting, uncommon experience I've had and am always drawn to. The second time, "you" refers to The Syrian, the current object of my... feelings. And almost every other time, "you" refers to myself.