TWENTY pages worth of MSN conversation. It is in keeping with my super-long entries, but if it weren't for Microsoft Word's "find and replace" functions to take care of those names you do not want to mention, it would not have been possible.
If you have the patience to read through it, then you deserve every bit of information you get.
Chik says:
Hi
Tiragem says:
Heya Chik.
Tiragem says:
What's up?
Chik says:
nothin mush
Tiragem says:
Don't you got school or something? Why you here?
Chik says:
classes end early on Monday
Chik says:
if u didnt wanna talk to me, all u had to say was "im busy"
dont i go to school .
Tiragem says:
lol... Um.. Okay. I was expecting your response to be.. "Well, don't you got work? Why you here?"
Chik says:
no. plenty ppl go to work and have msn on in work
Tiragem says:
I don't.. I'm always at clients... with a laptop.. you can't be online and on msn at a client's place.. you ever saw me here on work
Tiragem says:
..hours?
Chik says:
i..dont.. know..
Chik says:
i doe really b focused on who online at what time inno.
Tiragem says:
K.. fine.. well what's up with you anyways?
Chik says:
Nuthun
Tiragem says:
What ever happened with you and that teacher?
Chik says:
i decided against pursuing it.
Chik says:
i guess i pussied out... i don't want Elle to leave me
Chik says:
and if i slept with a teacher, she'd know.
Chik says:
so.
Chik says:
yeah. playing it safe.
Tiragem says:
She would? How?
Chik says:
she just knows
Chik says:
she knows everything
Chik says:
she knows when im lying, she knows when im telling the truth, she knows i have a crush on dr. phillip, and she'd know if i slept with the teacher
Chik says:
and..
Chik says:
you know the tell tale heart by edgar poe?
Tiragem says:
No... Don't think so..
Tiragem says:
It sounds vaguely familiar..
Tiragem says:
Who is Dr. Phillip? The same teacher?
Chik says:
yeah. the same teacher.
Chik says:
its the story of a guy who kills someone and hides the body under his floorboards
Chik says:
and when the police come to do the investigations, they never suspect him, and everybody chillin and having a good time
Chik says:
but the guy starts feeling guilty about what he'd done and began hearing the man's heart beating under the floor
Chik says:
until he couldnt take it anymore and freaked out and ripped up the floorboards to expose the body
Chik says:
that is like. my story
Tiragem says:
Hmm.. okay..
Tiragem says:
Well.. not going through with it is really the best thing to do... It's always better to forgo an adventure for stability.. wish I could do that..
Chik says:
yea. this past couple of yrs, ive truly realised that that is the best thing to do
Tiragem says:
Ha.. there we go.. confirmation.. I don't think I know what stability is..
Chik says:
there was an incident about 2 yrs ago with me and this other girl
Chik says:
she had a girlfriend, and of course, so did i, but we liked each other and decided to plunge into this adventure..
Chik says:
and.. i guess you can kinda say we started dating for about a month
Tiragem says:
And what happened with that?
Chik says:
and.. lets just say.. i really didnt know that so many things could collapse and go wrong in such a short space of time
Tiragem says:
What went wrong?
Chik says:
her girlfriend found out
Tiragem says:
How?
Chik says:
and her girlfriend is one of those insane, jump-on-somebody-car-and-smash-they-windshield-once-when-she-thought-Clara-was-having-an-affair-with-them kinda ppl..
Chik says:
she just kinda figured it out.
Chik says:
and at the time we were like this large circle of interconnected lesbians
Chik says:
and she told many of our friends
Chik says:
and threatened to tell Elle
Tiragem says:
..Ooh.. this is like a subculture..
Chik says:
so i had to tell Elle because it would have obviously been better comin from me than from this psycho bitch who could rile anybody up
Chik says:
and Elle went into this great depression
Chik says:
and Clara went into this great depression
Chik says:
and her girlfriend threatened to kill me
Chik says:
and so me and Clara stopped talking
Chik says:
and me and a few of our friends stopped talking
Chik says:
and Clara stopped talking to everybody
Tiragem says:
Hmm.. because they didn't approve of what you did?
Chik says:
and Elle and Clara were friends before i knew any of them, and now Clara and Elle are mortal enemies
Tiragem says:
Wow.. a month can completely change how things have been forever.
Chik says:
kind of. cookie riled them up good. and there was further confusion inside the circle because somebody told somebody something that they werent supposed to tell and yeah.
Chik says:
so many friendships collapsed and it took me a while to gain Elle's trust again
Tiragem says:
Hmm.. so after all that shit happened you still wanted to fuck around with a teacher?
Chik says:
and well i really dont know what became of Clara and collete. my guess is that they're still together
Chik says:
but i know it hurt their relationship more than it hurt mine
Chik says:
so.
Chik says:
well.. is a real sexy teacher.
Chik says:
i have a thing for women with salt+pepper hair. and i have a thing for women with dreadlocks. and i mean. she has both.
Chik says:
and she's got an amazing body
Chik says:
Elle saw her once and she was like..oh. ok i can see why you'd like her.
Tiragem says:
Hmm.. well you fucked up once already.. best not do it twice..
Chik says:
so. yeah. she just perfectly fits the profile of the woman i'd most love to fuck.
Chik says:
and yeah. that's exactly the conclusion i came upon.
Chik says:
2 yrs have passed since the whole thing with the thing
Tiragem says:
There ya go.. Matter settled.
Chik says:
and Elle doesnt talk about it anymore
Chik says:
and i stopped feeling guilty because i felt like she finally accepted that i was sorry
Chik says:
and when guilt and fear not constantly hounding me, its easy to forget the initial trauma of a fuckup.
Chik says:
but the nxt time i saw dr. phillip after i spoke to you
Chik says:
i remembered Clara
Chik says:
and i freaked out. so. i guess there's still some residual guilt and fear left.
Tiragem says:
I guess so..
Tiragem says:
As there rightly should be...
Chik says:
and some of it is that i genuinely dont want to disrespect her like that again. whether or not she's aware of what ive done. she doesn't deserve that.
Chik says:
so, no graying pussy for me.
Tiragem says:
Great.. nice to witness the thought process through to a good decision..
Chik says:
on another note
Chik says:
i dont think its safe to go to tobago to meet some guy when your mother doesnt know about him or your actual whereabouts.
Tiragem says:
Umm.. that's never happened..
Tiragem says:
Mom knows about him.. knows that I like him.. knows that I've slept with him (as in sleeping).. and knows that I was in Tobago with him.. it's just that she thought I had friends there too..
Tiragem says:
She knows I was with Mayaro with him this weekend too..
Tiragem says:
She also knows that I'm considering him to be my bf..
Chik says:
wait. your mom is ok with you sleeping with some guy?
Tiragem says:
Never said she was okay with it..
Tiragem says:
But she knows..
Chik says:
sounds familiar
Tiragem says:
Ha.. sounds familiar how?
Chik says:
well, anytime im by Elle's house or she's by mine for a few hrs and i dont answer the phone, my mom knows what im up to.
Chik says:
but she never says anything about it.
Tiragem says:
I guess she's accepted that's just who you are.
Chik says:
why do you like guys so much?
Tiragem says:
You asking me?
Tiragem says:
Sorry.. the question startled me..
Chik says:
Yup
Chik says:
it's ok
Chik says:
why do you?
Tiragem says:
Umm.. I've gone to all girl schools all my life.. not counting pre-school.. It's only in the past 2 years I've really gotten guys as friends.. normal, platonic friends.. there's just so much to discover.. It's so different from what I'm accustomed to.
Chik says:
i mean, what do they give to you?
Tiragem says:
Different physically, emotionally, mentally...
Tiragem says:
Something new! Something different to what I'm accustomed... It's a reaction down at the metaphysical level..
Tiragem says:
I dunno.. I can't have girlfriends.. they have no appeal to me.
Tiragem says:
Except sexually.. and oddly enough, I need more than that.
Tiragem says:
..You there?
Chik says:
that's strange. for me, its the opposite. it's like, you meet one man, you've met all.
invariably, i can tell what a fella is thinking about various subjects because theyre just so predictable and too easy to relate to.
women on the other hand..each one is a different experience. i have never understood women.
Tiragem says:
I don't deny that facets of men are predictable.. and I understand most men quite easily.. but all of them have idiosyncrasies that are so... I dunno.. Women.. it's like been there, done that.. I don't always know what they're thinking, but I do always not care.
Chik says:
women.. i want all. i want to understand all, i want to get to know all and i want to fuck all.
Tiragem says:
I can't say the same for men.. lol.. It's the ghetto ones I understand too easily.. and the ones who believe in God.
Chik says:
its actually a good thing im in a steady relationship, or else i'd be in trouble often.
Chik says:
hear nuh. and is the ghetto ones and the ones who believe in god that scare me the most
Tiragem says:
So true! Being in a relationship keeps me in check.
Tiragem says:
Same here..
Chik says:
so why is it so difficult for you to stay in one committed relationship?
Tiragem says:
Chik.. if I had a choice, I would still be with Flez.
Tiragem says:
Unfortunately, that's the kinda choice the requires 2..
Tiragem says:
Every other guy.. it's pretty much been like I just wanted to fuck them and little else.
Tiragem says:
I want to try to make this thing with The Syrian work.
Tiragem says:
Simply because it never has.
Chik says:
what was so great about the Flez guy anyways.
Chik says:
he couldn't type.
Chik says:
but seriously.. it's not hard to make a relationship work.
Tiragem says:
lol.. Absolutely nothing.. It makes no sense.. It's just that I know how I feel.. it is beyond denying that every single pore in my body responds to him..
Tiragem says:
It is if there isn't mutuality..
Chik says:
well if there isnt mutuality, then it isnt a relationship
Tiragem says:
Precisely.. and where things once were mutual... they can change..
Tiragem says:
People don't stay the same.
Tiragem says:
Some more than others.
Chik says:
people don't stay the same, that's true, but that doesnt mean mutuality must fade.
Tiragem says:
I know.. most of the times it doesn't..
Tiragem says:
I'm just unlucky I guess..
Chik says:
i actually think you just dont know what you want.
Chik says:
or... you know what you want, but its justnot good for you
Tiragem says:
No.. I wouldn't say that... why would you?... What I want cannot be defined, but when I want something, I know it.
Tiragem says:
The latter is probably more accurate..
Chik says:
well, on the one hand, you say that you want a relationship to work. and on the other, you say i'm not mrs right, but i'll fuck you till you find her.
Tiragem says:
What I want is never good for me for one reason or another.. what is good for me (Zodiac) I do not want..
Tiragem says:
Hey.. I just wrote that because I thought it was funny.
Chik says:
nah. thats not the only thing.
Chik says:
you indicate that often, actually. without having to say it, you give that off.
Tiragem says:
.....How?
Chik says:
hah. thunderstorm's out and about. and all the dogs ran inside and under my bed.
Tiragem says:
Yeah.. Thunder just cracked, and it felt like it was in my head..
Chik says:
that's difficult to explain i guess. its just that sometimes i feel like you think like that.
Chik says:
electricity is gone
Chik says:
great. and my battery is low
Tiragem says:
I wouldn't lie.. If I'm single and I meet a guy I just want to fuck because I'm sexually attracted to him.. I would just fuck him till I got over it..
Tiragem says:
Hmm.. That's no good.
Chik says:
yeah thats it. i know that.
Tiragem says:
*shrugs* Is something wrong with that?
Chik says:
i dont really know how.. but i just know that. so obviously you give that off.
Chik says:
no. it's completely fine
Chik says:
but its the polar opposite of wanting to be in a relationship
Tiragem says:
Yeah, but it's not like I wanted him for a relationship to start with.. I not going to be a guy's gf just because I want to fuck him... if I wanted to be in a relationship with a guy, I would go for it.
Chik says:
mmm... you're not understanding
Tiragem says:
.....Make me understand.
Chik says:
im thinking.
Chik says:
ok. someone who really wants to be in a relationship doesnt think like that.
Chik says:
when you just really want something stable, you only notice people you can picture yourself settling down with.
Chik says:
me. when i was in stable-relationship mode, i would have NEVER thought about dr phillip in that way. i remember being in relationship mode and just not finding certain ppl appealing.
Tiragem says:
Hmm.. okay, good point. The only problem with that is that I'm just too sexual and too.. well.. horny!.. to not notice someone if they're fucking hot or attractive.. I didn't have sex for 15 months because I wanted to wait until something I *wanted* stumbled across my path. I guess the difference between you and me is that I notice things I *want*.
Tiragem says:
And I want guys for 2 reasons.. to fuck.. and to *be* with..
Tiragem says:
And if I want them enough for either reason, I wouldn't let it go.
Chik says:
right. well for me, i make sure that i have exactly what i need before i allow myself to notice something else that i might *want*. and it's not a conscious decision. at the point in time i was looking for Elle, i needed Elle.
Chik says:
when you find what you need, sometimes it just so happens that it was also what you wanted all along anyway.
Chik says:
just secure what you need first. and then look for something else if you realise that you're not satisfied enough
Chik says:
i mean..seriously, why wouldnt you want to fuck the person you want to be with?
Tiragem says:
That's very true.. unfortunately, I am having a difficult time finding what I need.
Tiragem says:
I initially set out not to fuck someone until I thought I could be with them in a serious relationship.. waited fucking 15 months and only found what I wanted to fuck.
Chik says:
nah. well then youll always get sidetracked. and youll always reach back to this point. wondering why is it that it can work for some ppl and not for you.
Tiragem says:
HOW LONG AM I SUPPOSED TO WAIT??!!
Tiragem says:
It's frustrating.
Chik says:
and thats the point where you get a friend with a wonderful porn stash and you masturbate until you find someone who's right for you.
Chik says:
as long as it takes, Tiragem.
Chik says:
ok member that whole period when the both of us fucked?
Chik says:
i wasnt exactly sure of what i wanted at that time. i was going out with a guy and i wasnt exactly sure if i wanted to take the plunge into the whole lesbian thing
Tiragem says:
Uhuh..
Chik says:
so we fucked around, and i realised, yeah. this was definitely for me.
Chik says:
and at that time, i knew exactly what i wanted.
Tiragem says:
Interesting.. I helped you discover you really wanted to be a lesbian.. I thought only guys could do that..
Chik says:
no.
Chik says:
it would have been easy and convenient and pretty awesome if you ended up being my girlfriend
Chik says:
but.. it didnt work out that way. but i still walked away knowing what i wanted
Chik says:
and between the last time we fucked, which was.. the end of 2002- and the time i found Elle, which was.. coming to the end of 2003, i didnt get involved with anyone on any level.
Tiragem says:
I dunno. I'm with The Syrian now.. and it's weird.. It's like I feel so comfortable when I'm with him.. physically that is.. the sex.. sleeping with him.. it's like we fit.. but being with someone from such a different culture and who doesn't even speak english as a first language.. it's difficult really.. we really don't have much in common at all..
Tiragem says:
You waited until you found someone you wanted to be with.. even though you could have just fucked around for fun?
Chik says:
having stuff in common isnt the most important thing
Chik says:
exactly. thats the point. it wasnt even really that tempting.
Chik says:
because i wanted a relationship. to me, you can fuck around for fun till the end of time when you're in a stable relationship
Tiragem says:
It makes things a whole lot easier.. that's for sure.. I want us to have fun together.. I hung out with him whole day yesterday but we barely spoke.. what was there to speak about.. it's like he has my body and even my heart, I feel sometimes.. but not my mind..
Tiragem says:
Well yeah.. but stability isn't easy for me to come by! I'm an odd girl.. not many guys can tolerate me..
Tiragem says:
And I recognise that.
Chik says:
same here.
Chik says:
i not jus odd.
Chik says:
i fucked up.
Tiragem says:
Yet you found someone.. I dunno.. somtimes, I think I'm meant to be unhappy.
Chik says:
thats exactly the point you reach back to when you get fed up of looking for what you need and just give into sex
Chik says:
even if it doesnt start out that great at first Tiragem
Chik says:
after a while, when the both of you are in sync, sex falls into place.
Chik says:
Elle was a gold star when i met her, and seriously, i dont know what exaclty is so appealing about virgins because yuh need to be REAL patient with them
Tiragem says:
A gold star is a virgin?
Chik says:
a gold star is a lesbian thats never slept with a man.
Chik says:
and shed never slept with a guy before.
Chik says:
shed never slept with a girl either though. but technically, she's still a gold star.
Chik says:
anyways. the point is, it started off kind of interesting.
Chik says:
but now..she's the best fuck in the world.
Tiragem says:
Undoubtedly the person you love is always the best fuck in the world.
Chik says:
pretty much, you just need some patience and everything will work out
Tiragem says:
But what do you think about the guy I'm with now..
Chik says:
exactly.
and until you find the person you love Tiragem, and you're sure that it's the person you love, you'll just be meeting a bunch of ppl who are great to fuck around with. and that's all.
Tiragem says:
.......The Syrian is not just for sex.. Being with him is way too hard for it to just be for sex..
Chik says:
i still dont think you gave it enough time.
Tiragem says:
The first night I spent with him.. the first night I met him.. released so many fucking emotions I was in shock of how I was capable of feeling so much for someone I barely know....
Tiragem says:
But what are you saying? That I still haven't found the right person.. or enough time hasn't passed before I know he is the right person for me?
Chik says:
if it works out, that would be awesome.. but my opinion is, you need to make sure you can spend some time with them without any sex, and be completely entertained first. because sex is the easiest problem to fix.
Tiragem says:
God..
Chik says:
i dont know if he's the right person.
Tiragem says:
That really is the smartest thing to do huh.. kinda late for that though..
Chik says:
i can't know that Tiragem. im just saying that when you've reached the point when you can say your body responds to him, you're already biased, and youll have a clouded perception of how compatible you really are.
Tiragem says:
That's what I'm afraid of..
Tiragem says:
I kinda always knew it..
Chik says:
im not saying its all about sex right now. im just saying that at this stage, it shouldnt have anything to do with sex. so right now, you just have to wait it out to see if it will work in your faviour
Tiragem says:
You know Chik.. it's so weird..
Tiragem says:
Excuse me beforehand because I'm about to be very blunt..
Chik says:
as usual.
Tiragem says:
But you are the most fucked up individual I know.. yet... in all the time that I've known you.. you probably have the best insight on me and say some of the most prolific things of anyone I talk to...
Tiragem says:
You and Rob probably.. from completely different angles..
Chik says:
from my experiences... people who not fucked up.. cah help yuh.
Chik says:
if you try to talk to a happy person who never faced hard times and who dont know what fucked up shit means, they could never help you out of tough shit.
Tiragem says:
When I ask myself how I really feel about him.. I know that... I feel that we're too different to be together..
Chik says:
dont condemn it to fail.
Tiragem says:
I'm not.. I want to give it a chance.. at least keep him until something better comes along.
Tiragem says:
I never cheated on anybody.
Chik says:
try to make it work, and try to make your time together less about sex.
Chik says:
thats another thing
Tiragem says:
And if I ever do cheat on him, I know it would be for a damned good reason.
Tiragem says:
We spent the entire of Sunday without any sex at all.. though it was for lack of privacy, too..
Tiragem says:
Another thing how?
Chik says:
if youre serious about this, you need to feel like theres nothing better, and that nothing better can come along.
Chik says:
waiting till something better comes along is a sign of resignation
Chik says:
is like, hes just a placeholder. for the time being. but you dont really expect it to work.
Tiragem says:
Argh! I don't know if it's going to work! It's like I jumped right into this because of a bag of feelings that I got the first night I was with him.. now I wonder if this was something that was meant to be a big burst of emotion than a long lasting stable one.. I'm not saying that it's not going to work, just that it's not what I expected given our first night together.. that it would have been
Chik says:
what did you expect?
Tiragem says:
..more.. but it's too early to answer that now.. I am just going to bide for time and see what happens as we go along.. just feel it out..
Tiragem says:
I dunno.. I guess I must have expected another Flez.
Chik says:
if you have so much doubt Tiragem.. just end it now.
Tiragem says:
A Syrian version I guess who was less into rock and more christian..
Tiragem says:
No.. I don't want to.. I want to go with the flow and see what happens.. I want to fight for something for a change..
Chik says:
and if you really lookin for another Flez, just dont bother to get into another relationship until you're over that.
Chik says:
seriously. that's not fair to him.
Chik says:
you dont get into a relationship to replace someone with someone else.
Tiragem says:
That's just it.. I made sure that I wasn't going into a relationship until I was sure I was over him.. that's another reason for the sexless 15 months..
Chik says:
why did you break up with him in the first place?
Chik says:
just call him and tell him u want to make it work again
Tiragem says:
But I don't mean another Flez as in literally.. but a person who brought out all the feelings that Flez brought out in me.
Tiragem says:
I did not break up with him.
Chik says:
well i know you didnt drift apart. i guess he broke up with you?
Tiragem says:
Yeah.. something about different races and different religions and parents not liking blah blah.. then 3 weeks later something about another girl..
Chik says:
right. ok.
Chik says:
well. my advice to you
Chik says:
is to slow things down with this guy
Chik says:
slow it down, stop having sex.
Tiragem says:
STOP HAVING SEX.
Chik says:
yeah.
Chik says:
you need to.
Tiragem says:
We have sex like once a month.. what is there to stop?
Chik says:
stop having sex once a month.
Tiragem says:
.........
Chik says:
dont have any sex, dont talk about it, dont feel each other up, just stop it
Chik says:
and regroup and make sure this is what you want. and allow it to progress at a proper pace.
Tiragem says:
..............I just had to stop and think about that for a minute..
Chik says:
you can only start having sex again when you know for sure that he's what you need right now, at this point in your life
Chik says:
and that you're right for each other, and the pair of you can be a stable couple.
Chik says:
yeah it hard, but you not more sexual than me Tiragem. and ive learned to do it.
Chik says:
ive experienced having sex every weekday for 3 months, then going cold turkey for 6.
Tiragem says:
Even if I could do that, I'm not sure that he could.. No, let me rephrase... I could do that.. but I'm not sure that he could.. and I'm afraid.. I'm afraid that if I suggest that to him he would tell me I don't know what I want and that maybe I shouldn't be with him at all.. and then he'll want to quit the relationship, and woops! There goes another dead relationship.. twenty-one years old had sex
Tiragem says:
with 5 men can't find a fucking man whore any man can jump into her fucking pants and I'm crying now..
Chik says:
no.
Tiragem says:
Can't even see the fuck screen.. good thing i can type with my eyese close.
Chik says:
look. you dont say "The Syrian, lets stop having sex".
Chik says:
you explain to him all of this.
Chik says:
you want to make sure that you're right for each other and you dont want sex to cloud your judgement.
Chik says:
if he can't understand that, then he's no good for you, babe.
Tiragem says:
Yeah.. I know how to explain it to him. I know how to explain it to him like I explain it to someone who is not from Syria and whose first language is english... I'm not sure he will understand because his beliefs are *so* different from mine..
Tiragem says:
Now I feel like I've only done what I've always been doing.. jumping into something without looking. It's what I do best..
Chik says:
Tiragem. if he's the kind of guy you need in your life, a language barrier will never prevent him from understanding that this is what *you* need.
Tiragem says:
It's not the language barrier.. it's the culture barrier.
Chik says:
isnt he xtian?
Tiragem says:
lol.. Yeah.
Chik says:
xtians doe even believe in sex before marriage
Tiragem says:
But not like local Christian.. like Syrian Christian.. oddly enough, it's very different..
Tiragem says:
He's also male.
Chik says:
well let me tell you this.
Chik says:
it sounds to me like if you continue having sex with this guy, it would be out of fear.
Chik says:
and syrian xtian, local xtian, xtian from mars..
Chik says:
the same basic tenets apply.
Tiragem says:
....No.. it would be out of ignoring your advice.. if I tell him what you and, now I... believe I should tell him, and I still have sex with him.. it would be out of fear.
Chik says:
they all believe in jesus, and they all believe in no sex before marriage.
Chik says:
otherwise, they're not xtian.
Tiragem says:
I'll tell him..
Chik says:
tell him.
Tiragem says:
I'll choose my words carefully.. but I'll tell him.
Tiragem says:
I would have so much preferred if I could have done this in person.
Chik says:
why cant you?
Tiragem says:
I hate having serious conversations over the phone.
Tiragem says:
I won't be seeing him again until after exams.
Chik says:
xmas time?
Tiragem says:
Yah..
Chik says:
tell me what his response is.
Tiragem says:
I will.. you'll be the first to know.
Tiragem says:
God.. I'll never understand you.. ha.. you're the only female I don't understand at all.
Chik says:
thats because i really should be a guy.
Tiragem says:
lol.. Maybe.. yeah, maybe you really should.. anyways, I really have to go now.. I have work to do. I'll talk to you later.
Chik says:
bye. hope it works out.
Tiragem says:
Me too.. L8r.