In a fitting follow up to my last cryptic entry, it appears that there is a minute possibility that I’m pregnant. My menstrual cycle is a finicky thing, you see. To my equally finicky recollection, the shortest period between any two of my menstrual cycles is 18 days, and the longest – 25 days. It has been 27 days since my last menstruation. How many hail maries does Father wish to give?
God, this would be so much easier if I actually kept track of my period each time. The only reason I know it has been 27 days is because I remember quite distinctly that my periods were only just finishing during my last ACCA exam, which was the 8th of December. Hell, every single time I’ve sat my ACCA exams – each of all 4 sittings over the course of 2 years – I have been menstrual. The last sitting was no exception… Oh yes, it’s all coming back to me… I remember quite vividly now, mumbling to myself…
“What is it about ACCA that make me want to bleed so profusely from the vagina?”
That’s it.
I really should not be worried, though. Although it is true that I have had sex with the boyfriend recently – twice about 3 weeks ago during my last Tobago visit – the following makes my pregnancy highly unlikely.
1. We used a condom each time – we’re quite adamant about that actually. The Syrian and I go through condoms like Britney Spears goes through panties... back when she used to wear them.
2. The Syrian did not cum from sex. He actually came, each time, from post-coital blow jobs. It took less than a minute each time. I know exactly what to do to make The Syrian cum from a blow job – who knew that little bump on the roof of your mouth had a purpose? That’s right – flicker your tongue over it. The only bad thing about this situation is that it’s making me quite a lazy blow-job giver.
Still, my paranoia is acting up. I have every intention of fucking myself to death sometime tonight because of something I remember reading in chickpea’s diary some time ago – something about fucking herself with a dildo really hard brings her period down. Goodness knows whenever I masturbate within a few days of when I believe my periods are due, I feel a really uncomfortable post-orgasm belly-pain, and sure enough, a couple of days later, blood! I did masturbate on New Year’s Day, and did experience this, though it was fairly slight, which is common when I get my periods in 3 or 4 days from the masturbation date as opposed to 1 or 2.
If my rain dance, to wax the metaphorical, does not show results by Saturday morning, I am going to go into town to buy a pregnancy kit. If (and when) that kit tells me I’m safe, I’ll wait another week. If still nothing, I’ll buy yet another pregnancy kit, and if that one tells me the same as the first, I’m heading to the doctor first thing on Monday morning. The possibility is minimal, I know. I know this. I’ve even ranked the top 5 possible ways of how I could have gotten pregnant in descending order of probability:
1. One or both of the condoms The Syrian and I used that weekend was/were ripped to our ignorance, and The Syrian’s pre-cum sperm are so virile, that one of it managed to swim its way through the tear, up my vagina, find its way to my single remaining ovary and, stick its head into it.
2. One or both of the condoms The Syrian and I used that weekend was/were ripped to our ignorance, and The Syrian did actually cum from sex, but is so horny that he managed to keep his post-orgasm penis hard until he came again in my mouth, then he lied about coming twice, or did not even realise it
3. The Syrian or his brother slipped me a roofy and fucked me condom-less while I was unconscious
4. Instead of spitting The Syrian’s cum out after his orgasm, I actually spat it into a vial which was then fed to my vagina. Then I forgot about it.
5. I was impregnated with the seed of the Antichrist using witchcraft
Much to my surprise, being the chosen mother for the second coming of Christ did not make the list.
Lastly, I would like to say that the phone lines are down *again*, and so although this entry was written on the 4th of January 2007, it will not be posted until long after. And hopefully by that time, I will be bleeding from the vagina.