What just happened there? I am at a loss for words. Ever felt so completely blind-sided that you forgot how to update your blog? I have. God, explaining this requires so much history, that I don’t think have the mental capacity to write. Okay.
Breathe.
Long story made radically short, Ant and I went out on Saturday, night on the town, made out A LOT, gave each other BJs in the car, he finger-fucks like a porn star in a squirting video, I (according to him) give a damned good blow job. We’ve been exchanging text messages several times a day ever since, also exchanged phone calls, and have had phone sex.
Since Saturday, I’ve also decided to leave The Syrian, since I have effectively cheated on him and really must not love him to start with, since I have no remorse. Have only partly done so thus far (more explanation required – at a later date).
Since Saturday, I’ve also decided to stop fucking around with Ant because it is most likely going to be a dead end fuck-friend / friends-with-benefits relationship, and I am not supposed to be wanting that anymore. Have not managed to end it at all since I am enormously attracted to Ant, and I think with my pussy.
Several phone calls and text messages later, I decided, finally, tonight, to end it. I just don’t want the meaningless sex. I don’t want it anymore. As much as I want Ant, this relationship will end. Sure, the journey might be fantastic, but it’s going to be a dead end at the end of the night. But then you might say, what is life but a journey? I agree. But this journey, I’ve been on before. Sure the sights might be slightly different – more spectacular, more grandiose, more indulgent, but it’s still all the same. And let’s not forget the dead end.
He knows I’ve been ambivalent about the intensely sexual relationship we’d been having, although there is no doubt that I was leaning decidedly on the FUCK-ME! decision, so I assume he’d understand when I said what I had to say. Hell, I had told him before I wasn’t going to fuck around with him…
Ant: “I’ll respect your wishes.”
Me: “…Yeah, but we can still go out… and pretend like nothing is going to happen.”
[This was before Saturday.]
But of course, it was obvious that I could not hold my word.
So I practiced what I had to say in my head over and over again, and then I sent him a text:
“Where are you?”
He called less than 5 minutes later. As soon as I heard his voice, my head cleared completely. Everything I intended to say just evaporated from my head…
Me: “Uhh… Hm… Umm… You have this amazing ability to cloud my head…”
Him: “What?”
Me: “Whenever you call, my head just becomes clouded.”
I think he chuckled, then…
Me: “So… Yeah… Right… Umm… I don’t want to do anything any more.”
And from there it kinda stumbled out, the bits and pieces I remembered to say.
Me: “I can’t. I know what’s going to happen. That it’s going to end. I’m sorry. I really can’t. Actually, I feel kinda sorry for you… I know what you wanted – a fuck buddy, friends with benefits. I know. At one point, that’s all I wanted, too. No emotional baggage. But… I’m sorry. You got me. You can’t have that. I’m sorry. You want to cuss me? You can, you know…”
He mumbled something that I only thought I caught.
Me: “What? It’s okay? You understand?”
Another mumble. And then beep-beep. Call ended.
Let’s pause for a second now and clear our heads. Just… just… just get in touch with the empty space in your head. And let us remain like this for a solid 5 seconds. Because that is what happened to me. My mind just went blank.
Me (5 second delay): “He did not just hang up on me. He did not just hang up on me.”
But then I thought, maybe that didn’t happen. Maybe we got cut off. I tried calling back.
Ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring…
Hang up.
Wait.
Call again.
Ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring…
I sent him a text:
“What just happened there? Did we get cut off? You hung up? You said hold on but i didn’t hear? Is everything ok? Please answer your phone.”
Wait.
Call again.
Ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring… ring…
Another text:
“Please tell me this is a joke. I mean, I’m speechless. I never expected this. I’ll leave you alone… WHENEVER you want to call me, call me. I really wish you would. I want us to be cool. And I wish you’d tell me what’s up because i hate jumping to conclusions…”
And I’m jumping.
Jump #1 – He likes to joke around. He is playing a joke on me. It’s not funny.
Jump #2 – He thinks I am rather childish for jumping from one decision to another – first I don’t want to do anything because I have a boyfriend, then I do something, then I want to stop because I don’t want meaningless sex, then I start back, then I say I should stop because I don’t want meaningless sex, but I continue, and continue we do. Then I stop completely. And he is completely annoyed with my childish flip-flopping. (No, I am not related to John Kerry).
Jump #3 – As intensely, and seemingly purely sexual as we’ve been for the past week, he’s really a bit emotionally involved.
But it can’t be #1 because that is way too cruel a joke to play on someone. Then again, since The Syrian, I’ve realised that people do have a cruel sense of humour.
But it can’t be #2 because what I’ve described above is far too extreme a reaction for annoyance. Then again, there is a 10 year age difference between us, so what do I know?
But it can’t be #3 because we haven’t really opened up to each other that much, and our texts / calls / contact-on-the-whole have been STRICTLY sexual. I’ve even thought several times to myself that he seemed to be holding himself back from me, and I guessed it to be because he wanted to ensure things remained strictly sexual. Then again, he’s in a rock-band, which alone means that he has a good chance of being emotionally volatile, and he DOES write songs for the band, which alone means that he is most likely a fairly emotional person.
So I don’t know! And it’s killing me. And I’m worried. And, I can’t stop thinking… what just happened there?