Under the safety of lock and key, or more appropriately, username and password, I will admit it. I will admit what I purposely have not written for over a year. About a person I have made a silent vow to never mention save a supposedly nonchalant reference. I won't even say his name. Can't. I can't stain the pages of my diary with his name again. I can't. I fucking can't.
I have been writing in this diary about my post-him life as if it is so great. Well, all of the necessary items of a great life are there - promotion at work, progress at school, friends, going out, a boyfriend, other men chasing me down, new experiences, drama, oh I haven't even written about half of the drama. But all of these words, every one of them, were directed at one person. They were an extended proclamation that could be stated in a single line:
Look at how great my life is without you.
It's not.
For all the emotions I've omitted.
For all the names I've not mentioned.
For all the times I've lain in bed, and tried not to cry.
For all the will I've exhausted trying to move on.
For everything.
I'll say it now. I love you. God I do.
It kills me to have to pretend that everything is okay. It kills me to know that 22 months can pass since our last intimacy, yet know now, with utter certainty, that feelings are as fresh and present as they were at that moment. It kills me to hide these feelings, knowing you have none.
I wanted to maintain my dignity by keeping all of these things within my head and my heart, instead of plastering them all over the pages of this diary for all to see. Including you. You never stopped reading this. Why? It's hard to be honest when I know you're there.
I did not want to subject the readers of this diary to this shit either. Shit. Utter shit. Utter fucking shit. When will these chemicals in my brain stablise? Will they ever? Isn't there a time limit to lamenting lost love?
"...Because you believe that time heals and walls hide, but it's not true. It's not true. When things reach down inside of you, nothing can pull them out..." - Blood Wedding by Lorca
So there. There you have it. It's there. All out... Except for one thing... And I suppose I will soon invoke the dying pharoh in the Charles Heston movie, "Ten Commandments", a personal favourite of mine despite my atheism.
I will always remember that scene when the Charles Heston walked through those great doors as Moses, shackled as an enslaved Hebrew, and the Pharaoh, feeling betrayed by his former favourite son, made an ad-hoc decree:
Pharoh: "Take him away! Do not look upon him! He is a traitor to the Pharaoh. Let the name of Moses be stricken from every book and tablet, stricken from all pylons and obelisks, stricken from every monument of egypt. Let the name of... Moses be unheard and unspoken, erased from the memory of men... for all time."
But then, when the death of the Pharoah was nigh:
Ramses: "You won't die you old crocodile. You'll cheat death the way you cheat me at hounds and jackals."
Pharaoh: "I'm afraid he won't let me cheat the way you do. You'll be Pharoh by sunset, Ramses. I hope you're content... at last."
Ramses: "I am content to be your son."
Pharaoh: "You have restored Egypt to her greatness."
Ramses: "I shall make her greatness feared among nations."
Pharaoh: "No doubt. No doubt. You can overcome anything, but your arrogance..."
Daughter: "Don't exhaust yourself, great one. Dear Great one..."
Pharaoh: "Why not, kitten? You are the only thing I regret leaving. You have been my joy."
Daughter: "And you my only love."
Pharaoh: "Aha. Now you're cheating. There was another."
Daughter: "Yes."
Pharaoh: "I know. I loved him, too. With my last breath, I'll break my own law, and speak the name of... Moses. Moses."
And now, I'll break my law and say it. Flez. I love you.
And just as Moses was not present when the Pharaoh uttered his dying words, you will not be given access to this diary to see mine. Ever.