Unwittingly pissing off an entire family is actually much simpler than you would normally expect. I’m talking from experience here.
To explain:
Saturday was my birthday, and not too long after midnight on Saturday morning, I was half asleep in my bed when my cell phone jarred me out of semi-slumber. I was like who the fuck is sending text messages this hour the morning. Turns out it was Flez wishing me happy birthday and wanting to be the first person to do so.
I was confused. As well I should be. Wouldn’t you be if some one who you can’t stand sent you a message that, from any other person, would have been considered sweet? What the hell was he doing? Was he trying to patronize me? Was he trying to pull a goodbye-mi-amor on me? And how was I supposed to respond? Should I say thank you or fuck you? Questions, questions, questions… that I didn’t have to answer because Flez sent this message from an SMS site online, which meant his phone was busy when I tried to call him.
That was okay. I tried to go back to sleep… and I was doing a pretty good job of it too until I received yet another text. This one I have to quote:
“sms@w(mr.arsehole) your last diary entry is filled with typos i suggest a re-read to amend the errors…”
After all that he read, the only thing that stuck out in his mind was the typographical errors! That pissed me off like you wouldn’t believe. I would never have thought such a simple and only slightly inflammatory message from an ex would rile me up so much as it did. Several hours later, I was in a car, trying to remember all the times when I had gotten so angry. Eventually, I was only holding up 4 fingers. Two of them belonged to Flez; I’m guessing the middle finger on my left hand and the middle finger on my right…
Anyways, I couldn’t fall asleep after that, and in my enraged sleeplessness half an hour later, I thought it a fantabulous idea to send Flez’s sister a nasty message on her phone and have her relay it to her brother. Well… I say “nasty”, but it’s not really… It did have the words “fuck with me” in them though. Just before sending the message, it passed through my mind that I should change “fuck” to “mess”, but then the emotional part of my brain that cusses like a drunken sailor and has George Carlin (the Usage of Fuck comic) as a mentor jumped up:
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing? You don’t change a fucking thing! First instinct is always the fucking best!”
So I sent it the way it was.
After I sent the message, my head cleared enough to think that I should probably apologise to Flez’s sister in the morning. And then, if Flez hadn’t called by then, remind her that she still had to relay the message. Then I’d call Flez and ask him what the fuck he thinks he’s doing.
But even after all of that planning, I still couldn’t fall asleep. So I listened to my Deftones CD. It took me 16 songs before I was calm enough to meet the Sandman in a civilised manner, and it’s a good thing too… That CD only had 17 songs on it.
Several hours later, I was awakened not by a cock crowing, not by an alarm clock beeping, nor by the smell of bacon and eggs frying in the kitchen. I was awakened by my phone ringing and then Flez talking into my ear. I think I talked back, but I really can’t remember what was said as it was an indelible part of that fuzzy 10 minutes immediately after I wake up. I do remember though that he was talking about his sister, and I do remember that he was angry.
What?! Flez angry! Damn… I wish I wasn’t the only one who could appreciate the feat involved there. I sold Flez’s porno mag that had the misfortune of still being at my house when the relationship ended. Me telling Flez what I did was a middle-child talking to his/her parents about how its day was spent… No one cared! Just imagine that… I walked 20 minutes out of my way to find a used book store and spent 10 minutes haggling with the guy at the counter before I got the magazine sold, and nothing! But I send his little sister a message with the word “fuck” in it, and suddenly, I’m the scum of the universe… Hmm… Wish someone would have told me that earlier… Would have saved me some leg work… Seriously though, I didn’t sell the mag to be vindictive. I just couldn’t picture him coming for his magazine and me handing it to him in a civilised manner. So I sold it.
Anyways, when I was more fully awake, I figured I’d continue with my plan of apologizing to his sister and then calling him later. Things didn’t quite work out that way. An hour later, I called, and not 10 seconds into the apology, her mother grabbed the phone and started shouting at me to respect her daughter and to never call there again. And fire and brimstone rained down from the heavens.
Apparently, protective parents do exist. And despite George Garlin’s best efforts, “fuck” is still a very taboo word in the English Language. I felt like Steve Urkel from Family Matters…
“Did I do that?”
Although I wasn’t particularly phased by a middle-aged woman cussing me out (it’s the story of my life), the shock and awe campaign worked. And like Adam Ferrara would say, I felt like a flood victim when it was all over.
“It all happened so fast…” – any flood victim ever
I couldn’t even rethink my phone calling plan because I had to leave the house; my parents and I were taking a trip to the other end of the country. Almost the entire ride there, I was so terribly angry! I was angry at myself for getting myself into such a situation. I was pissed off at Flez for pissing me off. And I was pissed off at the situation. Think about it. A guy stabs me in the back then his mother tells me to respect her daughter… *pause*… *laughs*… Okay… Now I think it’s hilarious, but back then, it was a source of concern.
But eventually, I realised I couldn’t have planned this better if I were clairvoyant. Now, Flez certainly isn’t going to contact me any more. I never had a reason to contact him. And that is not so much what I want as it is what I *need*. So everybody’s happy. Wait… not everybody. There’s still an entire family pissed off with me.
Can we just pause a second and ponder that… There’s an entire family of four, living a few towns away from me, that communally hates my guts. Can you wrap your mind around that? It’s amazing. And all for my 19th birthday… Some people get jewelry, some get a car, some get a trip to Cancun. Me? I get an entire family angry at me. I’m going to have to do myself one better next year. If I don’t receive death threats for me 20th birthday, I haven’t done my job.
I know. I know. I shouldn’t be making light of this… but all I can think is… I hope that none of these people show up at any job I ever have, because they will certainly give me a bad reputation! The only sad thing is that it involved Flez’s sister who is actually a very nice girl, and it always sucks to be the middle man in a mud slinging fight. Oh well…
You know what the funny thing is? I read that message that got me so angry before, and you know what I thought…
“Amend? That was the word he used? How’d he find that word? I swear, I’m starting to see that damned word everywhere!”
I’m beginning to hate that word. It always shows up as an answer in crossword puzzles, of which I am a fanatic, except that I never know if they want “amend” or “emend”… same amount of letter, same meaning… Why do people do that!? They take a word, change a letter or two, assign the same fucking meaning and call it a new word! That makes no sense. Amend – emend. Egoistical – egotistical. Hilary Clinton – frigid bitch. It means the same thing! You’re just making the dictionary longer! And for someone who sometimes surreptitiously cheats on crossword puzzles, I need to be flipping through that dictionary as quickly as possible…
“I can’t imagine that anyone would be offended by such a versatile word… Use it loudly and proudly… Fuck you!” – George Carlin (I will get the full quote later)